On getting what you want

“There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.” Jodi Picoult 

For the longest time, I have been following the latter piece of advice. I have consistently lowered my expectations about how I expect other people to treat me, the services I receive from businesses and the way I want our government to act.

But the worst thing about this line of reasoning is that it has resulted in lowered expectations from myself, as well. The worse I see other people act, the more justification I have to respond the same way. Now, I am at the point where I don't even wait for other people to slight me before I snub them first.

So, if you wonder why I am always late when I say I'm coming over, it is because I know that you are usually late when you come over, or that you will have forgotten something I asked you to return or maybe that I am sick of usually being the one to set up the plans. If I don't dress up or bother with my hair, it's because I don't see the point of trying. If you think I'm being cold and distant, or just ignoring you in general, it is because that is the way I view you treating me. I play off the emotions I read from other people and then I mirror them. Indifference is my favorite color.

It is a defensive mechanism, but I am so tired of it. I am tired of not asking for what I really want because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, or because I don't want to feel rejected. That has ridiculous results in the business world (Not telling the new waitress that she forgot my soup because she looked frazzled already. It's a lose-lose situation since she doesn't know to look for side dishes and I don't get what I am paying for.). But it is even worse in my personal life. Am I really so afraid of rejection that I let people walk all over me? Am I so worried that people won't like me if I tell someone, "What you just did was not cool. You'd be mad if I did that to you, so why do you think it was ok to do it to me?" Sadly, the answer is obvious, especially to those who know me well.

A recent occurrence pissed me off so much more because I know I was being a coward by not sticking up for myself. I have  no doubt in my mind that the "offending party" would have walked out on me if I acted that way, but I was so afraid of being labeled a bitch, of being considered "needy," or worse, that I let it go. And then the resentment festers until I wonder if I even want this person in my life, any more.

Which brings me back to the quote above. Obviously, lowering my expectations isn't working, so it's time to start changing my reality. The real question is if I will do that in a healthy way, or if it will be a slash-and-burn, start from scratch version. I am planning on moving about 60 miles away from my current location. Not far, but far enough that I could just start over if I felt like it. The problem with that, though, is that I will be just the same person in a new location. This calls for a more fundamental change. I just don't know if I'm up for it.