I am crazy. No, don't argue - it's true. Just ask...well, anyone who knows me. I'm not crazy in a "let's get drunk and jump off a building" way, but I seriously think my mind just does not handle logic well.
This was a rough week for me for the simple reason that I was living inside my head too much and over-analyzing *everything.* Real example: "She said that she liked my shoes. What does she mean by that? Does she know that they came from Target and she's actually making fun of me?"
I am lucky enough to have friends who will not only put up with my neuroses, but actually try to help me work through some of them. Thanks to them, yesterday I realized what had been bothering me this week was that a certain event triggered some self-esteem issues that I have. Yay, problem solved, right?
So, this morning I am thinking even more and I came to the insane conclusion that I want a "significant other." This idea is crazy for a few reasons. First, I don't think I am a very good girlfriend (no, really, I have proof in the form of several crazy emails and social media posts from my most recent boyfriend). Second, I don't want the responsibility that comes from being someone else's significant other.
But most importantly, I have the world's worst taste in appropriate partners. I seem to find the people with one thing in common with me and try to build it into a basis for a meaningful relationship. Real examples: "but we both enjoy sex/football/Coen brothers films, why shouldn't we be together?!?"
It's easy enough to find an object of my affections (see above), but finding someone else who feels the same way about me is a challenge. (duh)
My sense of what a relationship should be does not necessarily jive with most contemporary norms. I don't want to live with someone else, I certainly don't want to get married. I don't like to be tied down and I have difficulty telling a partner that I *need* them. (I like to feel that I am too strong to *need* anyone else and besides, them knowing you need them gives them power over you, right?)
What I really want is someone to ground me, someone who will comfort me when I need it, reassure me when I'm low, but who isn't clingy or expecting more than the same from me. I've referred to it before as the "tether to my kite." I want to be able to flit about and explore, but still have a safe base return to. Selfish? Absolutely. But if you can't be selfish in what you want from a relationship, both people will end up miserable.
I am sure this feeling will pass...it usually does, but until then, I am going to read some romance novels and further develop my unrealistic expectations...
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
some self-reflective bullshit
I like to be valued. I can put up with a lot of crap if I think that my efforts are noticed. One of the reasons I am able to put up with my job is that I can see concrete, immediate evidence when I do a good job. Even if the final outcome of a project doesn't come for months or years, there are enough intermediate milestones along the way to give me some satisfaction. Unfortunately, the reverse is also true: I can get very down on myself when the smallest things go wrong.
The same thing goes in my personal life. I try to do things for friends, both intimate and social, that show that I care and actually think about them. I get more of a rush from finding the perfect gift, and seeing the recipient pleasantly surprised, than I do from receiving gifts. (Although admittedly, that's awesome, too!)
But I am not always thoughtful. I am notoriously late, even after someone sat me down and explained to me how insensitive it is to always keep people waiting. I am tactless. I have used sarcasm to make myself seem funny at the expense of other people. On more than one occasion, I have blown people off because I didn't feel like living up to my commitments. I feel bad when I think about it later, but damned if I can remember to be nice at the same point I am feeling cranky.
It is hard to come to a realization that I am not always a nice person. I'd like people to like me. I would like to be considered a cool, reliable chick. But at this point, I doubt I can change my inherent nature.
The same thing goes in my personal life. I try to do things for friends, both intimate and social, that show that I care and actually think about them. I get more of a rush from finding the perfect gift, and seeing the recipient pleasantly surprised, than I do from receiving gifts. (Although admittedly, that's awesome, too!)
But I am not always thoughtful. I am notoriously late, even after someone sat me down and explained to me how insensitive it is to always keep people waiting. I am tactless. I have used sarcasm to make myself seem funny at the expense of other people. On more than one occasion, I have blown people off because I didn't feel like living up to my commitments. I feel bad when I think about it later, but damned if I can remember to be nice at the same point I am feeling cranky.
It is hard to come to a realization that I am not always a nice person. I'd like people to like me. I would like to be considered a cool, reliable chick. But at this point, I doubt I can change my inherent nature.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Parallax
Given two disparate versions of a story, the saying is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Someone seeking to know what "really" happened must consider the different sides and extrapolate the truth.
The process is further confused by the fact that one's concept of reality is not a necessarily a constant. A person's perception of the truth can change, depending on her point of view.
Hold a finger at arm's length straight in front of you. Close one eye, then the other. Your finger seems to move, shifting anywhere from inches, to feet away, depending on your focus. The phenomenon of an object apparently moving when viewed along a different line of sight is called parallax and in the example above, it is because of the spacing between your eyes.
Why the physics lesson, you ask? It seems to me that people are becoming more and more polarized about hot-button issues. The farther apart two people are on an issue, the more likely that both of them are wrong.
This came to my attention this week when people started commenting on blogs, social media sites, et cetera, about the seeming rash of suicides apparently caused by peer bullying. Specifically, young adults being "outed" as gay, bullied or teased by their contemporaries, and then these people killing themselves as a result.
There are many issues in play in these stories: bullying, non-hetero* attraction, and suicide - not to mention the media's playing up all three in order to create a buzz that ups readership.
This note isn't meant to comment on the right/wrong/other of any of these particular issues. But as someone who has had to personally come to terms with the ramifications of all three, I feel qualified to say that in this instance everyone is wrong when they impose their own point of view on another person's actions.
I have no doubt that some people who preach about the "sin" of homosexuality* actually do think they are helping. Likewise, I heard people comment on the "selfishness" of suicide. I do not begrudge them their opinions, I just realize that they are coming at this from a different angle than I am.
You cannot possibly know what is going through someone else's mind. Even seeing someone else's actions does not give you any special insight into what their intent was when that action was taken. Regardless of your personal opinion on sexuality, suicide or the role parents and authority figures should take when teaching children about the world...you can NEVER know what is best for someone else.
Even parents themselves can only "do their best" when making decisions for their children, and the implications of their decisions may never be fully known.
*(I used a binary sexuality for simplification of my readers, some of whom cannot fathom anything beyond "straight" or "gay.")
The process is further confused by the fact that one's concept of reality is not a necessarily a constant. A person's perception of the truth can change, depending on her point of view.
Hold a finger at arm's length straight in front of you. Close one eye, then the other. Your finger seems to move, shifting anywhere from inches, to feet away, depending on your focus. The phenomenon of an object apparently moving when viewed along a different line of sight is called parallax and in the example above, it is because of the spacing between your eyes.
Why the physics lesson, you ask? It seems to me that people are becoming more and more polarized about hot-button issues. The farther apart two people are on an issue, the more likely that both of them are wrong.
This came to my attention this week when people started commenting on blogs, social media sites, et cetera, about the seeming rash of suicides apparently caused by peer bullying. Specifically, young adults being "outed" as gay, bullied or teased by their contemporaries, and then these people killing themselves as a result.
There are many issues in play in these stories: bullying, non-hetero* attraction, and suicide - not to mention the media's playing up all three in order to create a buzz that ups readership.
This note isn't meant to comment on the right/wrong/other of any of these particular issues. But as someone who has had to personally come to terms with the ramifications of all three, I feel qualified to say that in this instance everyone is wrong when they impose their own point of view on another person's actions.
I have no doubt that some people who preach about the "sin" of homosexuality* actually do think they are helping. Likewise, I heard people comment on the "selfishness" of suicide. I do not begrudge them their opinions, I just realize that they are coming at this from a different angle than I am.
You cannot possibly know what is going through someone else's mind. Even seeing someone else's actions does not give you any special insight into what their intent was when that action was taken. Regardless of your personal opinion on sexuality, suicide or the role parents and authority figures should take when teaching children about the world...you can NEVER know what is best for someone else.
Even parents themselves can only "do their best" when making decisions for their children, and the implications of their decisions may never be fully known.
*(I used a binary sexuality for simplification of my readers, some of whom cannot fathom anything beyond "straight" or "gay.")
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