I do not understand what makes one person think they can tell someone else how they should deal with personal grief. Even if the so-called "experts" disagree on how many "stages" of grief there are, or if such stages even exist, none denies that losing a loved one is a traumatic experience. If people just forgot when someone passed away, we would not have any cemeteries. The practice of erecting monuments and shrines in the memory of those who have died is nearly universal. Would you walk in to a cemetery and tell mourners they should just get over it? The idea is obscene.
Now, I realize that I am not always sensitive to what other people are going through. I can be thoughtless and oblivious, but I try extremely hard to avoid consciously hurting someone's feelings. I don't care how unusual or irrational a trigger may seem to *me*, if I care about someone, I tiptoe around their emotional landmines.
In all my life, I have never told someone to "just get over" their sadness. That you would say that to someone you profess to care about is almost beyond my comprehension. So, when a person that you claim to care about tries to explain to you exactly why they are feeling sad about something as "inconsequential" as the upcoming day their child should have turned two, had he lived? That is probably the worse possible time to say "get over it."
If you ever find yourself in this situation and it just bothers you so much, bite your tongue or walk away, or - hell - act like a human and hand over a tissue and *then* walk away. But do not ever presume that you have the right to tell another person to forget.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
2012
The onset of December and the holiday season brings with it the inevitable contemplation of a "New Year's Resolution."
For 2010, my resolution was to go to the gym a set number of times. I made it, but only by going about 10 times in the last month that still qualified.
For 2011, I wrote about The Year of Undoubt. The goal was to trust my instincts more and to quit over analyzing every decision I make. Looking back over the past 11 months, I think I had mixed success. I still second-guess myself...a lot...but once I have made up my mind, I am far less likely to be swayed by outside influences. When I evaluate the mistakes I've made this past year, I am not ashamed of them - each one I made after weighing the pros and cons of a situation and making the best decision for me, based on the information before me.
That brings us to 2012. I intend to build on the past two years. Even if I am not going to the gym, I am going to continue working out at home and making more healthy decisions. (22 lbs down, 15 more to go!) I am going to keep trusting my own judgment and not feel that I have to justify and decision that has no effect on anyone but myself. That whole thing about the older one gets, the less one cares about what other people think? I am WAY on board with that.
But resolutions aren't about maintaining a status quo. They are about moving forward, bettering yourself. I've made plans for 2012 that, by most societal standards, would be taking a step backward. In the short-term, this may be true. But in the meantime, life will get a little easier. And if I make it through to the long-term, I hope the sacrifices are worth the gains.
They say it is easier to keep a resolution if you have something concrete to work toward. Instead of "I am going to lose weight," you should pledge to go to get one more hour of exercise a day, a week, a month...or whatever. I have been more successful when I have that kind of resolution. Thankfully, I have another month to come up with a good plan.
For 2010, my resolution was to go to the gym a set number of times. I made it, but only by going about 10 times in the last month that still qualified.
For 2011, I wrote about The Year of Undoubt. The goal was to trust my instincts more and to quit over analyzing every decision I make. Looking back over the past 11 months, I think I had mixed success. I still second-guess myself...a lot...but once I have made up my mind, I am far less likely to be swayed by outside influences. When I evaluate the mistakes I've made this past year, I am not ashamed of them - each one I made after weighing the pros and cons of a situation and making the best decision for me, based on the information before me.
That brings us to 2012. I intend to build on the past two years. Even if I am not going to the gym, I am going to continue working out at home and making more healthy decisions. (22 lbs down, 15 more to go!) I am going to keep trusting my own judgment and not feel that I have to justify and decision that has no effect on anyone but myself. That whole thing about the older one gets, the less one cares about what other people think? I am WAY on board with that.
But resolutions aren't about maintaining a status quo. They are about moving forward, bettering yourself. I've made plans for 2012 that, by most societal standards, would be taking a step backward. In the short-term, this may be true. But in the meantime, life will get a little easier. And if I make it through to the long-term, I hope the sacrifices are worth the gains.
They say it is easier to keep a resolution if you have something concrete to work toward. Instead of "I am going to lose weight," you should pledge to go to get one more hour of exercise a day, a week, a month...or whatever. I have been more successful when I have that kind of resolution. Thankfully, I have another month to come up with a good plan.
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