That is great for maintaining the status quo, but once in a while I venture out and that is where my "reality" comes into conflict with other people and I have to navigate between what the outside world is actually *doing* as opposed to how I am viewing it through my own skewed perspective, and my insecurities come racing to the fore.
I don't doubt for a minute that many of these people have the same misgivings that I do. I know for a fact that a couple of them are just as obsessed with finding the "right" outfit, changing their clothes a few times before finally deciding on the last one.
But it is the end result that intrigues me. They make it seem so effortless. If they are debating between outfits, it is only because (in my mind) they have so many different choices to make themselves look good. (Whereas I am just trying to find the one that doesn't have that one noticeable stain or tear, and that doesn't look like it was stuffed at the bottom of my closet since the last Bush administration.)
Logically, I know that other must feel just as insecure as I do...it is just a matter of how your present yourself, how you manage to come across as confident. The "fake it until you make it" method, if you will.
That is all well and good when it comes to physical appearance, and I have had my share of successes when putting more effort into my looks when I am feeling particularly low. But there isn't always a directonnection between outward appearance and confidence. Often, my insecurity is more internalized.
I've said before that I have a complex when it comes to giving gifts. First off, I love to find the perfect gift for someone, and I usually can't wait to hand it over. The giddiness starts at home, when I think I have the perfect idea - something the recipient would want, but doesn't necessarily know she wants. Or just as good - a gift they would never dreamed they would ever get. It moves on to the actual purchase (I found exactly what I was looking for!) and my anticipation of the recipients delight just gets compounded the closer I get to the turning over of the gift.
As money gets tighter, it is harder and harder to find the right balance between what I want to give and what I can afford to give. And with many people being in the same boat, financially, I am running into the complication of what other people are willing to accept. I can understand that last part, to a certain extent. I would not be comfortable getting a gift from someone who I know couldn't afford it. I am just as hesitant, myself, to accept a gift that I couldn't (within reason) have gotten for myself. I would be very hesitant to accept a big screen TV from someone, regardless of their own personal wealth.
So, when I find the right gift - with the exact degree of cost/need/happiness quotient, I get giddy. And often it turns out that my enthusiasm for giving the gift is not matched by that of the person receiving it. This shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but it usually does.
My father and I have had a rocky relationship, to put it very mildly. So, to me, it was a big deal when, at my wedding, I arranged for a print that I knew he loved to be be framed and presented to him at the reception. The moment was just like I pictured in my head: he cried, the guests were all touched. It was perfect. Until I visited my parents home a couple months later to find that the picture was already taken down, the claim made that the glass had cracked and they'd put it back up when it was replaced.
I regret that I have but one worst gift ever to give on the most important day of my life.
I was rummaging through a folk-art/antique store when I ran across a 1950's map of the world that traced the differences between indigenous races and how they were impacted by colonizing over thousands of years. It was fascinating, to me, and I immediately thought of a friend whose home had many maps and similar art already displayed. I bought it, paying way more than I probably should have, but anticipating how cool it would be to the other person.
No, it was waaay cooler than this. Like there were country names and everything!
It has laid in a pile on his floor for the past eight months.
Now, this isn't to say there is anything wrong with how the other people acted when they got these gifts. I cannot fault them for their [seemingly] sincere appreciation for the thought that I put in to it. And I am not immune to this phenomenon, myself:
Christmas gift, circa 1992. What were they thinking?!? Was this a free gift with purchase?
Any perception that I am slighted is purely in my head. And then I feel guilty, on top of the hurt, because the idea of giving a gift is to make the *other* person happy, not myself. But how to break out of this? I don't want to just give gift cards or
Fuck it - next year, everyone gets McDonald's gift certificates.
