Martin Amis, Money"Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving."
I am starting to pack for a weekend out in the exurbs. Not just a typical family visit, this. No, it is time for my 20-year high school reunion. I cannot believe that it has been so long, nor can I believe that I am actually looking forward to commemorating it.
High school wasn't full of a lot of angst-y drama, for me. (I got that all out between 5th and 9th grade.) I wasn't popular, I wasn't unpopular. I had decent grades, had some great friends, and while two decades later, I can still name every bully who made me miserable, those bad memories were outweighed by all of the good.
I feel that I've changed a lot since then: my appearance is completely different (both in good and bad ways), I've been married, been divorced, been expecting, gone to law school, moved to the city, been flush, been broke...there's a lot of life experience under my belt.
But underneath, I really am the same dork who desperately wants people to like her, even while hiding her insecurity beneath a veneer of aloof self-reliance.
I have been obsessing about the weight I've gained and what I'm going to wear. I considered asking my mom to lend me her much-nicer car, so that I didn't have to show up in my 14-year-old Dodge Intrepid. I intended to make appointments to get my hair done, get waxed, have a manicure and pedicure. I've had my Romy and Michele dreams.
But ultimately I realized two things. First, in this day and age, everyone who wants to can pretty much know everything about me. No sense in making up a story about inventing something cool, or traveling the world with my fantabulous wealthy husband and three charming offspring. Hell, I have a blog that chronicles the pseudo-tragedy that is my love life, so no one would buy it.
But most importantly, I remembered that I am who I am and that will have to be enough. I was too lazy to start my diet before last week. I was too undisciplined to save money to buy new clothes. Too scatterbrained to make any of those beauty appointments. I decided to spend last night watching the bf play video games than doing laundry and packing.
And I'm betting that at this exact moment, I am just as content with the ups and downs of my life as most of the other people I will be seeing tomorrow night.
Still, I will be keeping track of who got fatter than me, dropped out of school, and is now (or still) living in their parents' basement. I haven't really changed that much, after all.
