COF: "Nothing thanks, just passing through!"
Someone once told me that if you go around looking for slights, chances are good that you will find them. Unfortunately, it is also true that even if you are happily minding your own business, sooner or later a slight is going to come looking for *you*.
The latest thing to just go out of its way to piss me off is my kidney. And right when I was treating it so damned well. I held to my 2011 resolution and dropped twenty-five pounds (suck it, bitches!) by doing healthy shit like drinking milk and eating salads and less ice cream and trying to eat that nasty-ass dark chocolate and drinking OJ and and walking and taking the stairs instead of the escalators and doing yoga and eating yogurt, and did I mention giving up ice cream?!? I even tried monogamy for christ's sake.
So, yeah. I drop the weight and am rewarded with having no clothes that fit, boobs that suddenly look like semi-deflated balloons instead of their usual epic bouncy awesomeness....and a kidney stone. Did you know that kidney stones can be caused by vitamin C or calcium or eating leafy green vegetables?!? And those pistachios I was snacking on instead of potato chips? Better for your heart, worse for your renal system.
I spent New Year's Eve (and a good part of New Year's Day) in the ER trying very hard not to puke out the stone. No worries, they told me. Just drink lots of water and it will pass in 24-72 hours. They. Lied.
Now I am sitting here trying to decide if the pain is bad enough to down a Norco and risk the inevitable puking spree that will follow. When I am writhing in agony, a little vomit seems worth it. When I'm wrapped around the toilet and my stomach feels like I just did a thousand crunches, pissing out a spiked grapefruit doesn't seem so bad.
And here we still are, nearly three weeks later, with no progress except the collection of ginger ale bottles I have been accumulating. I am scheduled for surgery to go in and get that little fucker, and if I thought the last month has been bad, that is nothing to the nightmares I am having after seeing the wiki article on the procedure. Seriously, I *dare* you to do a Google images search of a uteroscopy. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Hint, it will be something like this:
Yeah. They say that a kidney stone is comparable in pain to giving birth, without drugs. I don't have personal experience with the latter, but I am pretty damn sure that labor doesn't last a month.
