2011 - The Year of Un-doubt

A friend asked around for people's New Year's resolutions, and there were some very interesting intentions.

Not surprisingly, they mostly fell into the ideas to improve one's own happiness, and those to give more of one's time/self to others.

My own? To trust myself more. To not constantly second-guess my actions, not to over-analyze, and to believe that I am capable of making good decisions. And if I make a choice that doesn't have the hoped-for consequence, I promise not to be so hard on myself.

I have read a few self-help books that say that in order to forgive someone else, we may need to first forgive ourselves. This stuck in my craw, why would I need to forgive myself for someone else treating me badly?

But I am understanding this concept a little more clearly, now. I am not letting someone else off the hook - I am helping to let myself off. To forgive myself for making the mistake of getting into a relationship that was wrong for me, for misreading signals that could have indicated a potential friend was bad news...for just being human and falling into one of the many pitfalls that go along with that status.

It isn't that you *can't* forgive someone else until you forgive yourself...it's more that once you let go of any guilt *you* feel over a situation, the other person's actions loom less large. In the end, I've found that another person's guilt, or innocence, or negligence, is so much less important, once I've come to my own terms.

Parum Morsus' Tips To a Better Life. (Or How You, Too, Can Have Your Way Without Anyone Ever Being Mad at You)

I have decided that the world could benefit from my vast experience in unintentionally pissing people off and creating unnecessary drama. So, I am going to start giving FREE advice on how I manage to make it look so easy. (The method for intentionally pissing people off is patented.)

Every year, I make a New Year's resolution, although I rarely keep them. For 2010, I resolved to go to the gym more often. That one I managed to keep...barely. I went to the gym exactly four times this year, all of them in December. But that beat my 2009 count by exactly four times, so ...

For 2011, I decided that I would "take my own advice." In other words, when faced with a dilemma, or when i was uncertain what to do, I would ask myself what I would advise a friend to do, in a similar situation. Pretty much a WWJD with 100% less dogma.

On paper, this seems like a solid idea. When someone asks me for advice, I think carefully about the possible ramifications of each source, and give a thoughtful opinion. Sadly, more people do not actually take my advice, or my friends would all be living happier lives.

I think I've mentioned before that I have difficulty expressing myself; I don't want to be the one "making waves" or "rocking the boat." I get anxious when faced with conflict. But this position has not benefitted me in the past, so in preparation for the WWPMD? theme, I have decided to work on my communication skills.

The biggest problem with this plan was that I sometimes am so sure of myself that I don't think to ask myself for advice. In the past, when faced with an uncomfortable situation, my internal monologue went something like this:

"W.T.F. I can't believe he didn't call *again* after he said he would. Sure, his actual words were, 'yeah, I'll give you a call later,' but he has to know that I would be waiting by the phone, right? I cannot believe that once again, I am turning down other things just on the off chance he'll want to let me invite myself over to hang out and (bleep) him... if and when he EVER FRAKKING CALLS!"

And for those who don't actually know me, yes I really am in my late 30's and not 15.

Now, if someone else were to present me with this situation, I would probably say something about keeping yourself busy, not waiting by the phone, and I would likely toss in a "Never make someone a priority who only considers you an option." I might inquire whether my friend ever had an explicit understanding with the guy, and ask why on earth she would put her life on hold for one minute for someone who so obviously had a different view towards her than she had toward him.

So, a couple weeks ago, I was faced with this same scenario. He didn't call when he said he would, and after a few "where are you?" texts went unanswered, I decided that it would be best to send him an email, rationally asking him to explain himself.

That was the plan, anyway. In hindsight, it was like going to the grocery store hungry-you're going to wind up with a lot more junk food and impulse items in your cart. You don't send emails when you're angry. (Seriously...write that down...it's gold) Instead of a light missive, stating that I was disappointed, but hoped that there was nothing amiss, what I wrote was more along the lines of "What the hell is wrong with you?!? Why do you always blow me off?!? Aren't I good enough to even (redacted) anymore, cause I remember back when you used to beg me to (bleep) you, you (bleeping bleep)."

Ok, it might not have been that bad, but you get the gist. Shockingly, I did not get a response to that one. What I did get was a text while I was typing that said how sorry he was for the delay, and giving a very plausible reason for it. Yeah...I should have checked my messages before hitting [send] on that one.

So when presented with another personal issue this week, I was more careful. I waited two days, asked myself if I was still ticked off, and then carefully crafted an email that struck the right balance between "sane" and "psycho chick."

Now this was a slightly different situation, where I found myself upset about what a friend did to someone else. I spent an hour getting the wording right...aaaaand it bombed. Crashed and burned. It was a 4-11 fire with all units responding. What the heck?!? How could my carefully crafted email so miserably fail to help a person see the error of their ways?

I am still stinging from that fiasco. So, new rule...is someone about to die? No? Then keep your frakking mouth shut. If it bugs you that badly, write the other person off, but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT put pen to paper and lay your feelings on the line. Even if it is in a totally innocent way that any rational person would readily comprehend was only meant for the best.

I jest, but only a little. If you open a line of communication, you have to be prepared for the intended recipient to either 1) not pick up on their end, or 2) not agree that there was a problem in the first place, that is until you rocked the damn boat.

In evaluating these two situations (damn, I hate typing this on my phone...no access to a thesaurus to find another word for "scenario"), although the outcomes were not the ones I desired, and I may not have made my point in the most effective way, at least I can say that I stood up for what I believed at the time.

And really, I think that might be worth a couple pissed off people, now and then.

We are who we thought we were...sorta...kinda...maybe?

"We teach people how to treat us." Or so the saying goes. I can understand that concept - that if we allow people to run roughshod over us once, without adverse consequence, they will not have the incentive to treat us any better the next time around- but I have always felt this saying puts the blame on the someone for how other people act.

I am notorious for being unable to set boundaries. can't say "no" when I don't agree with people, and then I have had such guilt over how I let this happen over and over again. If no one can take advantage of you without your consent, what does this say about *me*?

I have trouble being honest with people when I think they have treated me poorly because I don't want to come across as a bitch, or a whiner, or - heaven forbid - a boat rocker. So I bite my tongue, or complain about the situation to everyone except the person who matters. I am incapable of just living in the moment

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day, and she steered me to a book by Brene Brown, and then to some of her lectures that had been posted online:



Dr. Brown has advanced degrees in social work, and her primary work was in researching the origins of shame, guilt, and vulnerability. I cannot overemphasize how much her words resonated with me. I am so afraid of coming across as "uncool" that I keep myself guarded. It doesn't matter if the situation calls for me to assert myself or if I am trying to tell someone that I "like-like" them - either way, I am incapable of being open about my feelings.

I am looking forward to implementing some of the suggestions Dr. Brown makes. I tried a little bit in some correspondence to someone yesterday - tying to explain my feelings and asking for the person to explain theirs - but I don't think it went over very well, hahaha

The importance of being earnest

So, with the new gig starting next week, I have been trying to get more organized. I will be going from a boss who makes more mistakes and forgives more f#@$-ups than is legally allowed, to one who is the most anal control freak imaginable (seriously, today, he spent 5 minutes looking for one particular pen because he didn't want to sign a check with the black pen I offered him.) If boss #2 wasn't also a friend, I think I would shoot myself. That may still happen, by the way.

So, I am trying to get into the groove - first goal was to leave the house without having to go back inside for something I forgot. I know that this is possible, because I have seen other people do it on TV. And other people seem to be on-time with some regularity, so they either leave themselves an extra 30 minutes to go back and forth into their homes 10 times, or they are actually organized before they leave.

I was awesome this morning. I had to go to the post office and to the DMV. I needed to renew my license, and inform them of an address change. I remembered to find my lease, to show I really did move from number "60" to number "58" on the same freaking block. I had two things to mail, and since I can no longer swipe envelopes and postage from the office, I remembered to buy both things yesterday. I got everything all ready to go out first thing this morning. Yay, me!

Now one envelope was kinda important, but no big deal if it took a couple days to get to its destination. The second, however, was time-sensitive, since it had to be in the mail before this weekend. (I know, right? I cannot believe that I couldn't do it online). When I checked the fine print, however, I saw that the order had to be in their P.O. Box by 7am Thursday morning. WTF?

Luckily, the POB was just about 30 miles or so away, so I figured I would drive to that post office and have them just put it in the box. Rush hour traffic, snow, an effed-up mocha latte later, and there I was...10 feet from the place it needed to be by 7 a.m. (Side note - the post office's own bin said they only sorted mail from their box at 3 pm - why? It's not like they needed to drive to some remote area to pick it up! And they couldn't just put it in the mail box that was RIGHT THERE! Oh no, they insisted that it had to be sorted and processed. Ugh)

One chore down, I went to the DMV, where I was only about 30th in line and it only took 45 minutes to get a new license. I consider that trip a success, even if the lady at the counter asked me if I needed to change my listed weight (bitch), and I forgot to ask them to register me to vote at the new address. Oh well, I had the new piece of plastic, and it even has a better picture.

A couple other errands, and the fact that I was all done with my Christmas shopping, encouraged me to treat myself to a mani/pedi. I saunter back in my door about 7 hours after I left, all happy with my productive day.

I plopped down on the couch and glanced down at the coffee table. At the papers on the coffee table. At the order that was supposed to be in the envelope at the fracking post office, being sorted even now! Yup, I drove into the airport area at rush hour to mail an empty envelope.

But at least I didn't have to make a special trip back into the house for it!