"We teach people how to treat us." Or so the saying goes. I can understand that concept - that if we allow people to run roughshod over us once, without adverse consequence, they will not have the incentive to treat us any better the next time around- but I have always felt this saying puts the blame on the someone for how other people act.
I am notorious for being unable to set boundaries. can't say "no" when I don't agree with people, and then I have had such guilt over how I let this happen over and over again. If no one can take advantage of you without your consent, what does this say about *me*?
I have trouble being honest with people when I think they have treated me poorly because I don't want to come across as a bitch, or a whiner, or - heaven forbid - a boat rocker. So I bite my tongue, or complain about the situation to everyone except the person who matters. I am incapable of just living in the moment
I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day, and she steered me to a book by Brene Brown, and then to some of her lectures that had been posted online:
Dr. Brown has advanced degrees in social work, and her primary work was in researching the origins of shame, guilt, and vulnerability. I cannot overemphasize how much her words resonated with me. I am so afraid of coming across as "uncool" that I keep myself guarded. It doesn't matter if the situation calls for me to assert myself or if I am trying to tell someone that I "like-like" them - either way, I am incapable of being open about my feelings.
I am looking forward to implementing some of the suggestions Dr. Brown makes. I tried a little bit in some correspondence to someone yesterday - tying to explain my feelings and asking for the person to explain theirs - but I don't think it went over very well, hahaha
Feelings don't have to go over well. Learning how to be in a good relationship is a process, and it involves negotiating and navigating around uncomfortable stuff.
ReplyDelete