Scene. Chicago. A dining room
It is late afternoon. A gorgeous redheaded woman sits at a small computer desk in front of a window, impatiently clicking a pen held in her right hand. Her left hand holds a phone to her left ear. She moves the phone down to view the display.
Parum. Ten minutes?!? Fuckers.
She sets the phone down, about to put it on speaker, when...
Comcast Fucker #1: [Cheerfully] Thank you for calling Comcast! Can I verify the name on this account?
Parum: I've already given it to three different people!
CF#1: Yes, Mrs. Morsus, I understand. Can I verify the name on this account?
Parum: First of all, it's Ms. Second, do you not see the irony in your statement?
CF#1: [confused] Irony?
Parum: You just called me by my name to ask me to verify my name!
CF#1: [silence]
Parum: Fine. It's Ms. Parum Morsus.
CF#1: Thank you so much Mrs. Morris. How can I help you?
Parum: [Sighing] I had to click through four prompts to specify that I was having trouble with my internet service. That was 15 minutes ago. I am still having trouble with my internet service. My TV channels work, but the modem isn't sending out a signal or something. I've unplugged everything, waited a minute, then plugged it back in. I restarted my computer. Twice. What gives?
CF#1: Ok, you are going to need to talk to Xfinity Signature Support. There is a charge for that.
Parum: [shrieking] What? Your equipment isn't working. Your phone system just had me enter all this information and said press all these numbers if I was having problems with my internet. Why would it make me do that if you couldn't actually help me?
CF#1: Well, we used to offer free support, but we don't anymore.
Parum: By any chance, did you stop offering free support at 2 o'clock this morning when my internet went out?
CF#1: [planning how to write this call up in some tech-support-customers-suck blog] Ma'am. If there's something wrong with your service, you must call Xfinity Signature Support. If your router is broken, you will need to buy a new router. I can give you some recommendations.
Parum: But it's *your* router! I pay you money for it every month!
CF#1: Wait. Are you talking about the router or the modem.
Parum: [hesitantly] Um...the thing with the antenna on it?
CF#1: Ok, you pay $7 a month for the modem. You're talking about the router. That's not ours.
Parum: But it has your name on it. Your rep came here and hooked it up.
CF#1: That wasn't us. There is nothing in your account history that shows we ever installed that.
Parum: Listen, you [bleeping] [bleep]. I am looking right at it. IT SAYS COMCAST RIGHT ON THE FRONT! Obviously I don't know anything about this stuff, so I didn't install it!
CF#1: [snickers] Yes, installing a wireless network can be very daunting.
Parum: You know what? Screw this, cancel my service. There is no point on having internet with you if you are not going to help me.
CF#1: [Obviously grateful to get the crazy bitch off the phone] I will get you over to the person who can do that for you.
Parum: Why? Don't they trust you to do anything?
[click.]
[static.] The phone call timer shows that four minutes go by.
Comcast Fucker #2: Ok, I understand you want to disconnect your service because you are having problems connecting to the internet? If possible, I'd really like to help you get your internet up and running, instead.
Parum: Well, that would be great, because the last guy was spectacularly unhelpful. He said I had to call someone else, though
CF#2: Yes, ma'am. He explained your...situation...to me. As he said, you'd have to call Xfinity Signature Support. Those tech guys are really the best people to help you.
Parum: Can you just give me their number?
CF#2: No, I can't give you their number. You'd have to hang up, then call back and select that option from the main menu.
Parum: Uh, NO, that wasn't an option in the main menu or else that's who I would be talking to instead of you. Besides, CF#1 said there was a charge for that.
CF#2: Well, I'm not in that department, so I can't speak to that.
Parum: What? So they may charge me, but I won't know until after?
CF#2: I'm really not familiar with their billing practices.
Parum: %#^%&^$##$%!!!
CF#2: Ma'am? Your phone seems to be cutting out.
Parum: You know what? This is the most Mickey Mouse operation I've ever seen. You don't support your own service and equipment?!? What the hell kind of business...
Parum is distracted by the lights suddenly flashing on whatever that thing with the antenna is.
Parum: Um. Never mind, it's working.
CF#2: [click]
