some self-reflective bullshit

I like to be valued. I can put up with a lot of crap if I think that my efforts are noticed. One of the reasons I am able to put up with my job is that I can see concrete, immediate evidence when I do a good job. Even if the final outcome of a project doesn't come for months or years, there are enough intermediate milestones along the way to give me some satisfaction. Unfortunately, the reverse is also true: I can get very down on myself when the smallest things go wrong.

The same thing goes in my personal life. I try to do things for friends, both intimate and social, that show that I care and actually think about them. I get more of a rush from finding the perfect gift, and seeing the recipient pleasantly surprised, than I do from receiving gifts. (Although admittedly, that's awesome, too!)

But I am not always thoughtful. I am notoriously late, even after someone sat me down and explained to me how insensitive it is to always keep people waiting. I am tactless. I have used sarcasm to make myself seem funny at the expense of other people. On more than one occasion, I have blown people off because I didn't feel like living up to my commitments. I feel bad when I think about it later, but damned if I can remember to be nice at the same point I am feeling cranky.

It is hard to come to a realization that I am not always a nice person. I'd like people to like me. I would like to be considered a cool, reliable chick. But at this point, I doubt I can change my inherent nature.