I am the only shedding bitch allowed in my home.

In a recent attempt to economize, I have been contemplating a move. I have all but decided that I will move in with my family in a couple months, but for the sake of my sanity and theirs, I've also looked into getting a roommate (on the theory that a complete stranger would be more likely to allow me to live with them, as opposed to the people who know me far too well).

The universal conclusion? Single people fucking LOVE cats. What the hell is wrong with these people? Are you so afraid of being alone?

No thank you, I shed enough for three people, and I am bitchy enough for four and that is as close to having a cat as I ever want to get, again. The last cat I had (really it was my husband's, I just happened to have owned her first) was declawed after she decided to destroy most of the furniture and whatever legs got between her and the shadow she was contemplating at the time. This did not stop her from one day launching herself from a hiding place under the couch and onto my calf. I had to literally beat her off of me. For the week before I could haul her off to my (now ex-)husband's place, I had to wear knee-high boots around the house because she kept attacking me.

I should have known she was evil when she killed a shrew and put it in the toe of my high-heeled shoes. She'd shoved that thing so far up the toe that I didn't even realize it for hours. I will never get that smell out of my head. Or the cat's expression when I got home. Bitch.

Every cat owner thinks that theirs is different. "Oh no, Sweetie wouldn't hurt a fly!" (said by a friend as her cat licked its lips and gave me the look that promised hidden droppings if I ever dared to leave the bedroom door open). They whine and cry if they can see even the smallest dot of the bottom of their food bowl. They jump on you and shove their heads under your hand to be petted, only to turn around and bite you when you oblige them. They will push a lamp off a table then confidently saunter away as if daring you to say anything.

If you point out this behavior to a cat owner, you will get a laugh and possible an explanation that this independent streak is precisely why felines are so awesome.

Seriously?!? What is wrong with you people?