As You Like It

I am crazy. No, don't argue - it's true. Just ask...well, anyone who knows me. I'm not crazy in a "let's get drunk and jump off a building" way, but I seriously think my mind just does not handle logic well.

This was a rough week for me for the simple reason that I was living inside my head too much and over-analyzing *everything.* Real example: "She said that she liked my shoes. What does she mean by that? Does she know that they came from Target and she's actually making fun of me?"

I am lucky enough to have friends who will not only put up with my neuroses, but actually try to help me work through some of them. Thanks to them, yesterday I realized what had been bothering me this week was that a certain event triggered some self-esteem issues that I have. Yay, problem solved, right?

So, this morning I am thinking even more and I came to the insane conclusion that I want a "significant other." This idea is crazy for a few reasons. First, I don't think I am a very good girlfriend (no, really, I have proof in the form of several crazy emails and social media posts from my most recent boyfriend). Second, I don't want the responsibility that comes from being someone else's significant other.

But most importantly, I have the world's worst taste in appropriate partners. I seem to find the people with one thing in common with me and try to build it into a basis for a meaningful relationship. Real examples: "but we both enjoy sex/football/Coen brothers films, why shouldn't we be together?!?"

It's easy enough to find an object of my affections (see above), but finding someone else who feels the same way about me is a challenge. (duh)

My sense of what a relationship should be does not necessarily jive with most contemporary norms. I don't want to live with someone else, I certainly don't want to get married. I don't like to be tied down and I have difficulty telling a partner that I *need* them. (I like to feel that I am too strong to *need* anyone else and besides, them knowing you need them gives them power over you, right?)

What I really want is someone to ground me, someone who will comfort me when I need it, reassure me when I'm low, but who isn't clingy or expecting more than the same from me. I've referred to it before as the "tether to my kite." I want to be able to flit about and explore, but still have a safe base return to. Selfish? Absolutely. But if you can't be selfish in what you want from a relationship, both people will end up miserable.

I am sure this feeling will pass...it usually does, but until then, I am going to read some romance novels and further develop my unrealistic expectations...