So, you know a lawyer...

Congratulations! You are now entitled to free legal advice for life!

Don't worry if you haven't contacted this person in years and couldn't correctly spell their name without looking it up on Facebook. All you need to do to hook that shit up is just shoot off an email (or call her parents and tell THEM to do it for you!) and demand your entitlement.

Bonus points if you insist that the lawyer call you, rather than setting out your issue in an email that they can address at their convenience. Fuck that. Your time is precious! After all, your problem needs to be addressed NOW because you ignored it for so long. So, make sure to tell her that you're only available between 7 and 8pm tonight. She won't be doing anything else, then.

And, it's not like the lawyer has anything better to do than to address your problem. It will just take "a quick minute," anyway. Well, maybe two, since you don't actually know what your question should be and didn't bother to gather the information before you contacted the lawyer out of the blue. But hey! Your cousin's step-mother once babysat for her, so she totally owes you.

Don't bother determining what kind of law your "friend" actually practices. It's not like you ever read her blog or anecdotes about her clients. If all she talks about is litigation, she should be perfectly capable of telling you when your employer's estimated tax payments should be due. Lawyers are just like doctors, right? They all know everything about every field of practice. I mean, come on! You always just walk into a podiatrist for a pap smear.

And you should expect that she can fix your problem - over the phone, too - without looking at a single scrap of paper. You can just hold that non-existent contract right up to the mouthpiece on your Nokia and she can interpret what you really meant when you agreed to pay that guy from the Home Depot parking lot upfront to rewire your house. She can also get you out of your eviction, tell you how to get out of having to pay for your repossessed car, and determine if your existing counsel (the one you're actually paying to answer these questions) is doing the right things.

You have the right to expect your free legal advice to conform to your expectations and wants. By all means, you should feel free to argue with your pro bono counsel if you don't like what she is telling you. You do not have to accept being told that you don't have a case or that you are in the wrong.

But the most important thing is to NEVER, EVER offer anything in return. It would be insulting to the lawyer to invite her over for dinner in exchange for you saving the hundreds or thousands of dollars you'd have to pay a "real" lawyer. After all, even a cup of coffee could be awkward, considering you haven't even seen this person for five years. Don't bother sending a thank you card, either. An unemployed lawyer should be happy to work for absolutely nothing, just to keep their skills sharpened.