The things I do for science

I am always looking for new ways to justify my inappropriate behavior, so when I stumbled across a link for a pseudo-Jung/Myers-Briggs personality test over at humanmetrics.com, I jumped at the chance to take it.

Now, I have a friend who does this kind of thing for a living (I think. It may be her hobby. Whenever we get together, we polish off lots of alcohol, so I really can't remember exactly what it is she does.) But I hesitate to ask her to analyze me because, (1) I hate when people ask me to work for free, so I try to avoid asking others to do it; and (2) I am afraid that if she agreed to do it, I'd end up losing one of my favorite drinking buddies.

So there I was, staring at an online list of statements to which you are supposed to "agree" or "disagree." Some were very easy: "You are always late for appointments...You know how to put every minute of your time to good purpose...You do your best to complete a task on time."

Once I wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, I moved on to some harder ones: "You are inclined to rely more on improvisation than on careful planning." Ok, what if I like to plan things out, but nearly always end up changing my mind at the last minute?

As the questions went on, I started to think that the test was deliberately fucking with me, but since this was all In The Name of Science^TM, I soldiered on. "After prolonged socializing you feel you need to get away and be alone." Well, yes, but that's only because I don't like people. "You often contemplate about the complexity of life." Maybe, but I am more likely to contemplate the complexity of dessert options.

I started to feel bad about myself. Who are these higher beings who can honestly answer that they don't mind helping other people while asking for nothing in return for themselves? What freak can easily understand new theoretical principles?!?

Finally it was over. The result? I am an ISTP. Anti-climatic, since I had no idea what that meant. Google is my friend, however, and I picked through the 41 millions results. Ok, that's a lie, I looked at the first four.

The first was clearly wrong. It said that ISTPs "thrive on action" and that "they're usually good athletes and have very good hand-eye coordination. They are good at following through with a project, and tying up loose ends." (Portrait of an ISTP) Disregarding the question of how a personality test can measure fine motor skills, this is complete BS and pretty much the opposite of me. It continued, "An ISTP who is over-stressed may exhibit rash emotional outbursts of anger, or on the other extreme may be overwhelmed by emotions and feelings which they feel compelled to share with people (often inappropriately)."

That one hit uncomfortably close to home. Time to check out some of the other pages. "They lie dormant, saving their energy until a project or an adventure worthy of their time comes along - and then they launch themselves at it." (ISTP Profile). Ah yes, that sounds much better than "sit on their butt until something finally tears their interest away from Glee."

"Communication also tends to be a key issue, since they generally express themselves non-verbally." (WTF, are we a pack of grunters?) "When they do verbalize, ISTPs are masters of the one-liner, often showing flashes of humor in the most tense situations; this can result in their being seen as thick-skinned or tasteless." See! My bad jokes are because I am a non-verbal communicator! (What did the blind, deaf and crippled kid get for Christmas? A puppy! Just kidding, he got cancer.)

I knew that trail of failed relationships and inability to relate to others without alcohol wasn't my fault. Now, every time some refers to me as a cold, lazy bitch, I'll take a line from that last website, "If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."