On getting what you want

I spent a wonderful evening with a friend last weekend, and as the wine flowed and the conversation grew more "profound," she interrupted my litany of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune to ask a simple question:

"What do you want?"

I started in on the standard list of society-approved demands: my own home; a good job; no money worries; companionship.

"No, no, no..." she interrupted me again. "What do you really want?"

And I was stumped, because truth be known, I had already had all those material things. The three bedroom house in the burbs, marriage, money in the bank account and 2 new cars and a boat in the garage. Hell, we even had a cat and a dog.

And I had been miserable. Oh, maybe not on the surface, but I wasn't *fulfilled* or whatever emotion I was supposed to be feeling when I had everything the American Dream mythos touts. I wanted more. And I ended up losing it all in pursuit of the contentment that I felt I was entitled to.

For some reason, I have clung to that version of reality as the ideal. Sometimes when I am feeling particularly stressed, I have a recurring dream about getting back together with my ex. But even in my fantasies, my brain is showing me red flags; we always fight and end up even more bitter and jaded than after our actual divorce. Ok, I get it - the past wasn't as rosy as I remember and I guess I wasn't all that happy back then, after all.

But damn, if that isn't what I'm working for, now, then what is the point? What should be my goal?

Last night, the old dream started like it usually does: I am in some unhappy situation and run into my ex by chance. Only this time, things took a different turn. I ran into my ex and his entire family at the grocery store. Everyone was healthy and happy, and we had a great reunion. I met my ex's new wife, and liked her instantly. There was no resentment, only a sense of peace that I'd never felt before.

When I woke up this morning, I pondered the possible meanings of this alternative ending. Obviously, I am moving past, well...the past. But where do I go from here? I am all for coming to terms with things that happened a decade ago, but what about now? I am realizing how unlikely I am to have those same trappings of stability again. I have given up the hope of having a spouse, a baby, a home with a yard and my own washer and dryer (oh separate laundry room, how I took you for granted!). But practically speaking, those things require another person to obtain - and I am pushing 40. Is my next aspiration to just to settle for what I have? A 14-year-old car, a one-bedroom apartment and a relationship with someone who reminds me that we have an expiration date?

And if so, am I required now to get a cat? Because that is just adding insult to injury.

Life rarely provides easy answers, and this is no exception. To be content with what I have seems to be admitting failure. The status quo is a cop out, and just a temporary one at that. But without knowing what my future goals are, I can't plan a path toward them. What if I had what I really wanted and will never get back to that again? I don't always want to be so intent on looking in the rear view mirror that I forget to see what's coming up ahead.

To get what I want out of life, I have to first determine what the hell that *is*, and damned if I have any idea. I am certainly open to suggestions.