And in a moment of forgivness...

Part of my recent (r)evolution has been to put the past behind me and finally move beyond past slights and hurts. I have been holding on fiercely to my high horse, certain that since (if?) I was in the right, I didn't need to forgive, let alone forget.

I started making a list of things that people had done that pissed me off. From little things (my sister "borrowing" and then "misplacing" my clothes when we were younger, lol) to much larger ones [examples redacted since pointing fingers is the exact opposite purpose of this post].

What really got my attention was this - for each line item, I realized that I still cared about the person that I was mad at. I dug a little further and thought about other wrongs that I wasn't as upset about. There were at least two that I would objectively consider as large an offense as the worst ones that upset me, but I wasn't really mad at those people. In fact, I hardly ever even though about what they'd done.

It was those I'd loved who had hurt me the most. In most cases, I had even professed to have forgiven them. But I hadn't really, not in my heart. Why is it so much easier to get over something if I don't care about the person who did it? Why is it so much harder to forgive someone that I love? And how do I bridge the gap...

I do see some hope, though. Oddly enough, one of my longest-running streaks of distrust and anger was recently ended through an event that echoed the original. The "offender" was around when I was dealing with a nearly identical action by someone else. With one well-timed gesture and the right words, I realized that I was a fool to hold a grudge for so long. The relief was almost overwhelming.

I have had such high expectations for the people I surround myself with. I expect them to always mean what they say and follow through with it, to always be there when I need them and to know what I need and want without me telling them. If I deign to love someone, dammit, they'd better be worthy of that love, otherwise, they are scum.

What a bunch of bullshit. No one can possibly live up to that level of stress. (Hell, I sure don't.) It is really a defense mechanism on my part - if I set the bar ridiculously high, then the inevitable disappointment is just that: inevitable. And I can look down on those that didn't live up to my unrealistic expectations.

So I'm climbing down now. It was getting pretty cold and lonely up there...